Happy Go Lucky....Not So Much

I sometimes, well, very often give off the impression to others that I am Miss "happy go lucky" what in incredible misperception of me they have. Do not get me wrong, I am joyful for the most part. I know that my faith and God sustain me in this joy for if it were left to me I would feel as if I were a complete failure. I know that I am nothing without God and the wonderful gifts he gives me through His grace. Am I happy? No. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Happiness in this world for me, is unattainable, there lies the real facade. Things of this world do not make me happy...at all. I enjoy many things this world has in the form of our wonderful planet and the many treasures it possesses. But as far as things of this world, the material aspect of it all, I have never been attracted to this part of life. I am rather simple when it comes to what makes me happy here. There are certain things that bring me great bouts of joy, such as looking at the stars and being part of this infinite universe of ours. I also find joy in walking, I could with for ever. I love nature and the beauty it offers.

I am reading this very "easy read" book called Guidance to Heaven By: Cardinal Giovanni Bona.
It is an amazing book. Very short in legnth but very powerful in content. It just breaks it all down for you and really brings the message home regarding how uncertain it ALL is here on Earth. That we need to really fine tune our stay here and how we deal with our vices and our way of looking at the state of our souls. It's message conveys a solitary feel. It really focuses on letting it all fall away. Do not get attached to anything here for nothing is really ours. How very true. I find myself attached to people for the most part. Not in a needy sense but more of a concerned sense. I am always concerned that others are "ok" and there really is no need for that concern on my part because that worry, concern or care will not change them or the situations that will occur in their lives.

I realize in reading this book and even while reading Self Abandonment to the Divine Providence that I need to strip myself of all that is of this world. I need to really wrap my mind around the idea that I am to do God's will as He sees fit not as I want it to be done. That things that do not occur are out of my control and that I HAVE to be ok with it. I have somehow lost sight of my solitary side. There was a time when I once would completely retreat from everything and everyone iwthout thinking twice. But now, somehow I'm back into the personal attachments with people. Don't get me wrong, helping others is what I know I must do, through God's direction. I also don't believe in the extremes such as shutting myself in a room and not socializing as I am not helping anyone that way (unless I am in complete deep contemplative prayer for others). But I also don't feel I need to be out and about all day either. I must find a balance in there somewhere.

If people really knew me. They would see a very contemplative person. Sure I have a smile for all to see and that is genuine for sure. As I feel God's presence in my life always and I can't help but to smile. But deep within I also carry the burdens of caring so much for others and their "issues" are on my mind as well. If I see sin, or a misguided soul, I feel sad as well. I feel guilty at times when I am having a good time knowing that others are not. What should I be so happy about? Have I checked in w/the state of my soul? Should I rejoice when I become lukewarm, or I neglect to do things for God through sacrifice? Is it really complete? my souls joy? no it is not.

I feel for others because that is how God made me. I can't help that. I can try to see how others may treat me and say "wow what a jerk" or "why did they have to do/say that to hurt me?" but as that initial "sting" is felt in my heart I also feel an overwhelming amount of love and urge to forgive and pray for them. why? because deep down I know they too struggle with the state of their souls. I know that when someone is mean it's because they know no better and its a defense mechanism. It's much easier to resent than to forgive but to forgive is a truly incredible thing to feel and experience.

It is easy at times to think about the su ffering of this world and get caught up in the negativity. But that is where my faith kicks in. that is where my love of others says to just hold on and have faith in the good others possess. I don't delude myself and live in a world where I feel everyone is happy and as long as i pretend to be happy then all will be fine. NO way. I am very realistic. the thing is, that although things look dim at times I know that God gives us strength and He has something in store for everyone in His Mercy and that is always going to be something good.

All I know is that I need to get back to basics again. I need space to infuse myself with love, peace, humility, courage, faith and perserverance. I cannot acheive this by surrounding myself with insignificant distractions. I need to hear God's voice clearly n my heart. I just feel He is saying so much and I can't really hear him. How awful is that? You see? and there you have it. Happy for what? I can't even take time out to listen to God. Pathetic I am, this is true. But I won't give up. I will keep coming to Him time and time again until I get this right. Here goes antoher go....


Maria L(